


Noble Fears: Part II

by IronSpoon (OddColor)



Series: Noble Fears [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Background Character Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Stubborn Bucky Barnes, The Winter Soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-07-02 01:52:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15786519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OddColor/pseuds/IronSpoon
Summary: Second part of Noble Fears.





	1. Stubborn

**Author's Note:**

> On hiatus

Recovery hadn’t been easy. You were never one to sit and let people take care of you. Once the swelling had gone down and your eyesight began to return, your restlessness only increased.  
Whenever your upcoming discharge was mentioned, Bucky would do his best to convince you to stay at the tower. 

“You’d have your own room. Everyone would give you your space,” he reasoned.  
“I have my own room” you retort, “At _my_ place.”  
“You can’t very well take care of yourself. What if something happened to you?”  
“Way to look on the bright side there, Bucky. Thanks for having confidence in me too, by the way.”  
“I- I don’t like the idea of you being alone.”  
“And when all of you are gone? Missions and all that?” You quirked an eyebrow at him, waiting for his response.  
Suddenly he couldn’t met your gaze. Sitting in the chair next to the hospital bed, Bucky clasped his hands together.  
“I’d be there,” he mumbled.  
You reach out and grab his arm, pulling it towards you. “Yes, except when you aren’t,” you grin, taking his hand.  
When he doesn’t move, or respond, it hits you. “What did you do?!” you ask, glaring at him.  
At the doorway you hear Sam. “Told you she’d be pissed. Finally telling her how you took time off?” he laughs to himself.  
Eyes wide you turn to Sam, who was now taking a seat in one of the chairs along the wall.  
“Oops,” he feigns, smile widening.  
You turn back to Bucky, emotions alternating between shock and anger.  
“For how long?” you demand.  
“If you’d stay at-” Bucky begins.  
“Six weeks!”  
Bucky just glares at Sam who couldn’t look more pleased with himself.  
“Six weeks?!” you shriek.  
“With the possibility of a few more, _if needed_ ,” Sam adds.  
You open your mouth to start telling Bucky off for all of this, for keeping something like this from you until last minute, that you don’t need to be coddled, when he squeezes your hand. “They’ll be fine without me. They managed before I came along, they can do it again.”  
A muffled snort from Sam’s direction breaks your remaining anger.  
“Fine, but I am not staying at the tower,” you remind him. “Let me be useless in my own home.”

 

S.H.I.E.L.D. won’t let you step foot in their building for the time being, and when they finally do, you will have to pass their physical and mental health screenings before you can go back to work. Without your job to keep you busy you’re not sure being back in your apartment is much better than being stuck in the hospital room, but it would be a change of scenery. And it’s nice to be heading back home.  
Getting up the stairs was a challenge all by itself, but then you had to keep fighting off Bucky’s attempts to help you.  
“You can be ridiculously stubborn, you know that?” he asked as you pushed his arm away from you.  
“Me?! I’m the stubborn one?! You just carry that crap from the car for me and keep your hands to yourself.”  
The closer to your apartment you got, the more you had to use the handrail of the stairs to help support your bodyweight. You were determined to make it inside of your place before giving in to Bucky’s need to assist you. Even if that did make you stubborn. And exhausted. 

You make it to your floor and Bucky walks just ahead of you, making it to your door and unlocking it before you’re able to reach him. Giving him an appreciative smile as you walk through the threshold, he returns it with a look of satisfaction at finally being allowed to help.  
The bedroom looks too far away, so you settle on laying across the couch and close your eyes.  
Just as the thought of sleep enters your mind, you’re swept up.  
“Nuh-uh. Bed.” Bucky declares, carrying you to your room. “You aren’t sleeping on the couch.”  
Setting you down, you’re too tired to mess with blankets or clothing, and just settle down onto the bed. When he tries to walk away, you grab him and refuse to let go of his hand, pulling him onto the mattress. He doesn’t object, laying behind you as you quickly fall asleep.


	2. Shadows

You wake up to darkness. Only the streetlights making their way in through the curtains give you any hint at your surrounding. It was unreal to be waking up in your own bed after all this time away from it, and for a split second it caused you to panic. The familiar low lighting of the hospital room was never this dark. Or this quiet. You turn over and realize that the pain must be the reason for your waking up. Slowing your movements to keep your discomfort to a minimum, you finally make it onto your other side, only to be greeted by more shadows. 

As much of a fuss you’d made about him being around, you never expected him to just up and leave in the middle of the night. Though, this wouldn’t be the first time he did something unexpected and overly drastic. You listen carefully, hoping to hear him shuffling around the apartment, unable to sleep himself.   
Silence.  
You roll out of bed and walk out of the room, trying to remember where Bucky had set your stuff from earlier. Pain meds were your priority right now, then more sleep. Worrying about what was going on with Bucky was a problem for morning.   
Before you even make it to the table, you can make out the various pill bottles and sit down to figure out which was which.   
_Take one from the bigger bottle. Need to wait till morning before taking those other two._ you think to yourself, trying to twist open the cap.  
Sharp pain increased through your fingers and radiated out towards your hand and up your arm as your grip tightened on the bottle.  
“Here, let me get that.”  
Startled by the voice behind you, you jump and drop the bottle altogether. Bucky reaches over your shoulder, picks it up from the table and opens the lid. He hands you your medication before getting you a glass of water. You just stare at the pill in your hand until the sound of the glass being set onto the table breaks you away from your thoughts.  
“You weren’t in bed,” you say quietly, “I thought you left.”  
“Took the couch,” he states, sitting in the chair next to yours.  
“Couldn’t sleep?” you asked, knowing it was more likely than not.  
He shifted in his seat. “I slept fine, considering how well I fit on that thing.” Pointing back to your couch with a grin. “Didn’t get up until I heard you messing around.”

You almost didn’t want to ask, didn’t really want the answer, but you knew it would eat away at you until you did.  
“Bucky? Are you afraid to sleep in-” you start, but he cuts you off.  
“You’re still healing, just got home. You could hardly make it up the stairs yesterday.”  
“I made it up those stairs just fine,” you defend yourself, voice flat.  
He all but rolls his eyes before continuing, taking your hand “My _point_ is, it wouldn’t take very much for things to become dangerous.”  
“I find it hard to believe that’s the only reason,” you say softly.  
When he doesn’t say anything, you stand up to head back to bed. Just a few steps away from the bedroom door, he finally speaks.  
“That pill bottle bested you, too.”


	3. Moving Day

It wasn’t long before cabin fever started to creep in.  
Despite having a steady flow of visitors, most frequently Sam and Steve, you wanted- no, needed- to get out of your apartment. Pretty sure that if you had to sit through one more movie, one more card game, one more _anything_ inside this building, you would pull your hair out. 

So you had finally agreed to Bucky’s original plan of staying at the tower. There, you would at least be able to get outside without having to tackle the stairs, which _were_ getting easier for you, but still took a great deal of energy.

 

Packing up your things, Bucky was still talking up the idea, as if you hadn’t already said you’d go.

“You’ll have your own space,” he assures you as he throws your duffle bag over his shoulder. “There’s plenty of space there.”

“Yeah. I’ve been there. More than once,” you remind him, staring up from where you are sitting on the end of the bed.

“Right.” He puts his arm under yours, wrapping it across your back to help you stand up.

This gesture was one of the things you let him have. It had become second nature to the two of you now. Any time you were sitting, he’d be right there when you needed to stand.  
Everything else you were determined to try and do for yourself, and usually wouldn’t accept his help until you had become frustrated.  
But this? This you gave in to.  
The physical contact was a welcome change from the distance he been trying to casually keep in place. You didn’t press matters about him sleeping on the couch, but did encourage him to nap in the bed when you weren’t in it, hoping he would get some more restful sleep there.

 

Bucky clearly still had some feelings to work out about that night. About the incident. Never having held it against him, your only resentment towards him had been in the the way he had handled the days following that incident. And as much as you wanted to be upset with him for it, you had to admit that he was doing a damn good job at making it up to you now. 

 

Most of the team were out on various missions, which is why the two of you had picked this day to show up.

When the doors open on the familiar floor, you begin to head towards the direction of Bucky’s shared living area, but before making it all the way, he stops you.

“Over here,” he guides you off to a different section of the building, and a different room.

“What’s this?” you ask.

“Um… Your room.” He feigns a smile as he walks in.

You raise your eyebrows at him. “And why aren’t we staying in _your_ room?”

He drops your bag onto the bed before running his hand through his hair.  
He seems to be having trouble finding the right words when you walk up to him and throw your arms around his neck. “You’re not going to break me Barnes. People have tried. And failed.” 

He kisses your forehead softly before saying, “I thought you wanted your space?”

“Not from _you_!” you laugh, looking up as he just smiles back at you. “Guess you’ll be staying here too, then.”   
You raise an eyebrow, challenging him to argue with you. He doesn’t, but pulls you in to a tighter embrace instead.


	4. Cook Out

The first night at the tower, you had fallen asleep while watching TV and woke up to the sound of people talking. As they got closer, you were able to make out who they belonged to and pushed yourself upright to greet them.

“What are you doing, making your girl sleep on the couch?!” Sam joked as he leaned over the back to kiss your cheek. “Let me know if he keeps mistreating you like this.”  
You give a sleepy half smile in return, too tired to do much else.  
When Steve greets you, all you can do is yawn and wave.  
Just as you consider falling back over and going back to sleep, Bucky sits down next to you and hands you a cup of coffee before throwing his arm over your shoulder.

Once you’ve finished most of your cup, you’re finally able to manage speaking.  
“Any plans for the day, Bucky?”

“We were just talking about cooking out on the grill outside later, once everyone gets in and gets some sleep.” He pulls you over slightly, placing a kiss on your head. “Feel up to helping me with some of the prep work?”

 

Around noon the two of you had begun getting everything ready. Bucky made sure you had everything you needed within reach while you sat at the counter. As the rest of the occupants began strolling in, they would carry plates out to the grill. You couldn’t see it from where you sat, but the sounds and smells of cooking food drifted into the building. 

“Why don’t you go out there? I’ll clean up,” Bucky offered, helping you stand.

After washing your hands, you turn around and pout your lips.  
“But I can’t enjoy the view from out there.”

He walks up, pushing himself against you and brushes his lips on yours, “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Not in the kitchen! Not near the food!” Sam shouts from the other side of the room.  
Bucky laughs and without looking away from you responds to Sam, “Get her out of here, Sam. She’s making a mess of the place.”  
You couldn’t help but smile back at the smirk that was growing on his face. 

 

Once outside, Tony quickly appears by your side with an extra drink in hand.   
“Here, before your chaperon can say otherwise,” he says, pushing the glass into your hand.   
You gladly accept it, giving him a dramatically airy “Thank you!” before he walked away.

Not having had any alcohol since being out of the hospital, it wasn’t long before you began to feel its effects. While you were still in some pain, it was manageable without medication most days. But Bucky would give anyone who offered you alcohol his infamous death glare, out of fear that you _might_ need to take something for the pain. Most notably Tony, who had brought you a bottle of welcome-home wine that prompted not only the glare, but also a lecture on mixing medication and alcohol.

As Bucky sits next to you, you hand him your now empty glass, pressing your finger to your lips.

“What am I going to do with you?” he sighs.

“Let’s have Tony refill that glass and find out.”

“That explains it.” Bucky turns to face Tony’s direction. “Heavy handed with the drinks, Stark?” he shouts, holding up your empty glass.

“Is that a request?” he hollered back. “I can add more this time.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and looked back at you. “If you’re going to have another drink, let’s get some food in you first.”

 

A few plates of food and a few drinks later, you’re ready for bed. After one too many stumbles, Bucky scoops you up and carries you.  
“Hey, I’ve got this,” you insist.

“I don’t think so. You’re going to break something. Or re-break something.”

“You can fix it for me.”

He sets you on your bed as he says, “Sorry doll, I’m not a doctor.”

Your eyes go wide. “Ooh! I thought you meant the furniture! WAIT. Can you fix the furniture?!”

“I’m sure someone around here can,” he assures you, pulling back the blanket before adjusting you under it.

“Is that ‘someone’ you?” you ask, jabbing his chest with your index finger. 

Bucky shakes his head, leans down and kisses your forehead. “Go to sleep.”

Turning onto your side, you mumble, “You’re not the boss of me Barnes.”

Letting out a soft chuckle, he begins stroking your hair. “I know.”


	5. Back to Work

Over the following weeks, Bucky was able to find various reasons for not spending the night in your room. He flat out refused to let you even set foot back in his own bedroom.  
Sam had mentioned there still being damage to the wall from the last time you had stayed there. Damages that Bucky refused to let anyone repair.  
On the rare occasion the two of you did fall asleep together, or even rarer, in your room together, Bucky was always gone before morning, having left undetected sometime in the middle of the night. 

Your recovery was progressing, you even had your first health screening scheduled with SHIELD and were hopeful that you’d be back to work soon. 

 

You return to the tower that afternoon and immediately sought out Bucky to tell him the good news. You find him, along with Sam and Steve, lounging in their living room.

Bucky smiles as you sit next to him, noticing the excitement on your face.  
“That went well, I take it,” he says before placing a kiss on your cheek.

“Very. I’ve been cleared for desk duty. They’ll evaluate me in a few more weeks to see if I get to go back into the field or have to wait it out some more.”

The look of concern on Bucky’s face was unmistakable, so you clarify what field work would mean for you.

“Oh. No. Nothing like that. Just the occasional trip to see the larger or unmovable tech in person.” You could feel the heat rising to your face, and lean into Bucky both in an attempt to comfort him and hide the redness in your cheeks. “I’ve had my share of action.”

 

When you were being honest with yourself, you could admit that your previous actions had been idiotic. Though every action you took, every decision you made while on that mission was the very best you could do, you never should have gone. Never should have volunteered for it in the first place.  
While you usually didn’t like to talk about it, shortly after moving into the tower you had found the courage to bring it up with Steve. He let you know that SHIELD had successfully extracted both you and the only other surviving member of your team. Only her condition had been far worse than yours. She held on for a few days, but with her passing Bucky’s mental health had begun to backslide. Not only worrying about whether or not you’d be able to pull through, his guilt intensified, blaming himself more and more for the situation you were in.

 

 

“I can start moving my stuff back to the apartment-”  
“You’re moving back?” Bucky interrupts.  
“We talked about this being temporary. That’s why I’ve still been paying my rent. Without even living there, I might add,” you remind him.

Truth is, you _had_ thought about moving in more permanently. Wanted to, even. But every time you would fall asleep with Bucky by your side, just to wake up alone, it would reassure you that moving back to your own place was the right thing. For both of you.

Reaching out, you take his chin in your hand and turn his head to face you again.  
“Don’t worry. You can still come by whenever you want,” you tease, giving him a quick peck before letting go.

 

Most of the others were out, either on missions or living their own lives, and the four of you had decided to go out to dinner as a mini celebration to your being able to return to work. And partially because Bucky had been in a funk, sulking ever since you reminded him that you would be moving back out.

By the time everyone’s food had arrived, he seemed to be back to his usual self.  
Not being too terribly far from the tower, you and Bucky decide to walk back after dinner.

You had been chattering away about how good it was to see everyone at work earlier that day. Telling Bucky how much your lab looked exactly the same as when you left and how excited you were to get back to it.  
He put his arm around you and pulled you into his side. Forehead pressed up against your hair, he says, “Tired of me already?”  
“Never.” You intertwine your fingers in the hand that’s resting on your waist, your smile broadening.  
The two of you walk another block before either of you say anything.  
“You don’t have to move out,” he begins, looking anywhere but at you. “You could stay.”  
“Bucky-”  
“I want you to stay.”  
With that statement he’s finally able to make eye contact with you.  
“Please,” he continues, “please stay.”


	6. Distance

Both of you had stopped walking, the entrance of the tower within eyesight.  
You open your mouth to say something. To convince him that moving out is what’s best.

But can’t.

He brushes your hair back behind your ear as you bite your lip.  
“Keep your apartment,” he tells you, “just in case you ever need to get away. It can be crazy here.” He throws his head back in the direction of the tower at the last part. 

“Bucky, I don’t… can we talk about this inside?”

In just the short walk and elevator ride to your floor, you could tell that all of the playfulness from before was gone. Even with your hand in his, it was clear that your response to his request had been disheartening for him to hear.  
Once at your floor, Steve and Sam greeted you both, and after a short acknowledgment in return, you and Bucky made your way towards your room.

No sooner than the door closes, Bucky begins.  
“You don’t want to stay,” he states.

“That’s not it. That’s not it at all. I do want to.” You sit on the edge of your bed and run your hands over your hair, trying to sort out your own thoughts.

There’s no mistaking the confusion on his face as Bucky tries to make sense of you’re attempting to say, waiting for you to continue.

“I…” you close your eyes and prepare yourself, “I don’t think it’s what _you_ really want, Bucky.”

When you open your eyes again, the look of confusion that was on his face just seconds ago is gone. He now stood there in front of you looking stunned, even hurt, as if you had just smacked him across the face. 

Looking as if he was the one having trouble finding the right words this time, you continue. “It’s just that you work so hard to put so much space between us. Even now. You want me to keep my place? And you won’t even let me in your room!”

Bucky doesn’t move from where he stands. Brows furrowed, he turns his eyes towards the ground and appears to be considering what you’ve just said.

You stand up and walk over to him, gently placing your hands on his cheeks.  
“I don’t want to live at the tower, Bucky. I want to live with _you_. Together.”

He pulls you into him, arms wrapping around your back, face nuzzled into your neck.  
You also don’t hear him when he speaks. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

You let him just hold you for a moment before you say anything. “Can we sleep in your room tonight? And talk about this again in the morning?”

The dread was easy to see in his eyes, as he pulled his face away from your neck to look at you.


	7. Reminders

Though reluctantly, Bucky had agreed to staying in his room. Trying to be as discreet as possible, you couldn’t help but notice the hole in the plaster of the wall. It wasn’t just this reminder that Bucky kept, he also hadn’t seemed to have replaced the bedside table that had collided with that particular spot of the wall.

You had tried to take up your once usual spot in the bed, until Bucky insisted that you sleep on his side by the remaining table. It was a huge step even being in his bedroom at all, so you didn’t press the matter. 

 

As you lay there, you couldn’t help but notice the tension in his muscles. It seemed to be a struggle for him to be in there with you. When you rested your arm over his chest, you could feel the air catch in his lungs. Originally you had planned to let Bucky fall asleep first, before allowing yourself to, but at some point you ended up drifting off. 

Movement causes you to wake up and you glance to where Bucky had been when you fell asleep. Only instead of laying in bed, he’s now standing beside it.

“What’s going on?” you ask, though you were fairly positive of the answer.  
You crawl over just enough to reach out and take his hand in yours, and even though he hasn’t moved, he does allow you to hold onto him.  
“Bucky?” you whisper “What are you doing?”

Concern growing, for a split second you wonder if he’s even really awake or if you’re dealing with something worse, but quickly push that thought aside.

“Stay. Please stay” you start to plead, gripping his hand tighter.

The knot in your stomach begins turning the longer he stands there. When he doesn’t turn to face you, tears start to form in your eyes. You try choking back the lump in your throat, but that only causes the tears to start rolling down your face.

You tighten your hold on his hand some more, but he doesn’t return the gesture. If you let go of him now, you’re sure he’d walk out of the room, like he had originally intended. 

“Bucky!” pleading, you move closer to him. “Stay with me.” Your voice hitched, but he just lowers his head, refusing to look at you.

Now your misery was being taken over by anger.   
“Look at me!” you practically screamed.

“Why am I here? Why are we doing this?” You were getting tired of this game, whatever it was. 

“You didn’t have to come back around just because you felt bad for me,” you snarl. “I could have managed alone. Without you.” 

Having inched yourself to the other side of the bed, getting as close to him as you could, you swing your legs over the side and stand up, letting go of his hand.  
If he wanted to run, you’d let him.   
“If you walk away now, don’t you _dare_ come near me again.”  
Finally lifting his head, he leans in and presses his lips on yours. Just as you start to kiss him back, begin to lift your hands to pull him closer, Bucky backs away and walks to the door.   
You’re frozen in place as you watch him open the door and step out. All you can do is stare at the doorway.  
Confused, you stand in that same spot, wondering what just happened.


	8. Crossing Paths

You run your hands over the fabric of your dress, smoothing down imaginary wrinkles in an attempt to calm your nerves. As you stand there in front of the full length mirror, you turn your head from side to side, getting a better look at your hair from every possible angle.  
While this wasn’t your first time attending one of Stark’s parties, it would be your first time back there since moving out.

Regular lunch dates and movie nights at your place with Sam and Steve happened often enough that you considered the two of them your closest friends now. Occasionally one of your co-workers would also be included. The life you had now was fairly normal, taking into consideration your job and acquaintances.  
A sudden knocking at the door jolts you out of your nervous thoughts.  
“Right there!” you shout, jamming your phone into a small handbag as you rush to get out of the apartment.  
Once you’ve closed the door behind you, Sam pulls you in for a quick hug before the two of you head down the stairs of the building. 

 

Voices and music immediately greet you as the doors of the elevator open. With his hand on your back, you and Sam step out in unison before he leans in, concerned.  
“You’ll be okay, but do you want me to stick with you for bit?”  
“Would you?” you reply, giving him an apologetic smile, thankful for his offer. You hadn’t realized until just then how high your nerves really were.

Knowing that Bucky must be in the room somewhere, you avoided giving the area your usual once-over and just focused on those immediately in front of you. After a while you began to notice how Sam had been gently guiding you away from one side of the room, and it didn’t take much thought to put together why, so you did your best to avoid glancing in that direction at all.

 

\---

 

It had been weeks since she moved the last of her things out of the tower. Weeks since she had begged him not to leave that room. And weeks since he let his fear of hurting her cloud his better judgement.  
Part of him worried that she would do something reckless again, something like the last time he had pushed her away. Sam and Steve were both keeping an eye on her as far as that went and according to the two of them, she was doing well. Or so they would tell Bucky whenever they returned from visiting with her.  
And that is what he let himself believe. That the woman he had pushed away _was_ doing well, that she was doing better without him.  
There wasn’t any reason for their paths to cross now. Bucky avoided the distance between her work and home at all times, even though he knew the times she could be found there, just in case.

“I hope you realize that you’re expected to actually make an appearance at this thing.”  
Bucky turned away from the counter to look at Steve, the blank stare on his face causing Steve to explain further.  
“Tonight. Tony’s-” Steve began.  
“Got it,” he replied dully before trudging off, leaving the glass he just pulled from the shelf sitting empty on the counter.

 

He got there early, before the crowd of people grew to that uncomfortable level. Being in the room as they trickled in would be easier for him to handle tonight than it would be to wait until there was a room full of eyes staring as he walked in. Plus, he could hunker down on one of the sofas for as long as needed, making his presence even less obvious to those not immediately near him. 

It should have been a giveaway when Steve suddenly broke away from a group of people he had been speaking with, making his way directly to Bucky. Caught up in his own thoughts and replays of the last few weeks must have caused him to have his guard down, because it wasn’t until the sound of Sam’s familiar laugh sounded nearby that he realized she was there. Now he was remembering how Sam was the one to pick her up from her apartment while Steve stayed behind to make sure Bucky didn’t sneak off in an effort to avoid this party. To avoid her.  
Once the two men had spotted one another, Sam appeared to be making a conscious effort of steering clear of Bucky’s general area. 

“How are you holding up over here?” Steve asked, taking a seat on the armrest next to where Bucky was sitting.  
Unamused, Bucky looked up at him. “Are you providing the distraction?”  
“Guess so,” he replied with a remorseful grin.


End file.
